Happy Birthday Mom!

Today my mother would have celebrated her 75th birthday. As I reflect back over these almost 18 years since she passed away.  I'm filled with conflicted emotions.  As I write I think of all that she endured battling breast cancer for 12 years.  Going through her breast surgery, reconstructive surgery and later to be diagnosed with a brain tumor.  To once again have to go through a brain surgery.

As a cancer patient myself, I cannot image all that she endured.  I know that we struggled in our mother/daughter relationship...but I cannot deny that I loved her.

Over the years I have had a battle within me.  Why did we have to have such a difficult relationship?  How could it have been better?  What could I have done to fix or help our relationship?  I'm baffled with the conflicts I have faced throughout my life regarding the family dynamics. I know I love my mother, but yet I still have the scaring effects of the times that we faced.  Even though I had these conflicting life moments with my mother...I know that through her last few months we became as close as we possible could even though there still seemed to be a barrier that kept us from healing.  

I thought with her passing that I would not feel the emotions that I continue to feel.  The lack of ... the feeling of being less than...not good enough...not perfect enough...unable to satisfy or make her happy.  As I have pondered her life and all that mom endured as a child I understand more as to why she was the way she was.  I know that she had demons that challenged her throughout her life.  The times that she grew up in.  Her parents, my grandparents, raised their family during the depression.  They didn't have much and the stress that it must have caused them raising 8 children.  I know that through the generations that physical abuse was passed down, from my knowledge as far back as my great-grandparents.  It may have been farther back...but no one knows.  I'm sure it must have been through the challenges of life that caused this to happen  especially not knowing how to deal with matters/issues of their time.

As a result my mom took what she learned and changed it to the best of her ability.  She was never physically abusive to us kids.  For that I am grateful.  I know it was something that she tried her best not to pass down to us knowing what she had endured as a child.  Yet, she struggled in other ways.  She loved us and we knew that yet I find myself questioning that love.  I guess it's because there were times I felt conflicted with how she may address or say something.  It's hard to explain.  I think this is why I have battled my weight all my life.  I find that I cannot express exactly how I feel and it results in me stuffing my feelings with food.  I have battled low self-esteem all of my life.  I thought I would grow out of it, to no avail.

So, as I reflect on mom's birthday today.  I want to say, Mom I do love you!  I know our relationship was not perfect...far from it.  But I love you even to this very day!