Heartbroken

Last week I had a really nice dinner with a dear friend. It was great catching up and sharing family stories. Taking about children, grandchildren, travel...you know everything you share with a friend. The best thing about it was that it was just us girls, no husbands, no children. You couldn't have asked for a more relaxing evening.

Of course, like girls always do, we shared some personal family stories and family happenings. What are girlfriends for if you can't share what you're feeling? So, we shared! Some stories were funny, some serious, some sad and some heartbreaking!

I remember when I was Relief Society President in 2001-2003 and the importance of keeping confidences. At times it was difficult to do, but that was an important part of that calling. It was quite a learning experience to say the least. Many lives are entrusted when asked to keep a confidence.

I remember recently, that a dear friend shared with me some family struggles. She's devastated and crushed with the decisions her children are making. All she can do is be supportive and at the same time watch helplessly as they go through this journey of life. We as adults see the pitfalls and do our best to guide and direct our children. There are times they listen and other times ignore our heeding. It's something parents deal with when watching their children stumble and try to pick themselves back up again.  After our two hour dinner my friend asked me to keep the conversation confidential and to not even tell my husband. Well, those that know me know that I do not keep secrets from my husband, but this time I felt it was important to keep this confidence. And keep it I must!

Here I sit crying! My dear friend accuses me of telling my husband about our conversation because her child said I did! I'm dumbfounded! I shared my conversation with no one and yet I stand accused of not keeping a confidence. I'm heartbroken! My thoughts turn to this...Is her child feeling guilty? Is her child telling my friend that I shared this with my husband to maintain control of the situation? What is their motive? All I know is that I did not share the conversation with my husband.

In my humble opinion, the only time a confidence should and must be broken is when a life is in danger. Well, this was not the case! Now, I must go through this pain of not being trusted by this dear friend! She did say to me that if I didn't say anything then she believed me. Yet, how does one un-ring a bell? How does one gain another's trust again? Especially when they are told by their own child that you did! A new bridge will need to be built between us. I can honestly say, I will be more cautious in the future when speaking with this friend because I do not want my integrity challenged again!

No Denying The Spirit

I've been emotional concerning family/friends questioning the gospel of Jesus Christ that I know! Today I wish to share some experiences of my husband and myself.  I'll first begin with my husband, as I find it to be a most amazing story!

When Doug was a little boy he learned to play the organ, he loved it and played well. So, when traveling to Utah to visit family in Ogden it was not surprising for Doug to ask his mother to take him to see the big organ in Salt Lake City.  Keep in mind, Doug and his family are not LDS. They had no association with the church, no friends, no family whatsoever were affiliated with the church. Yet, when he went to see that organ he had a special feeling. He didn't know what that feeling was, he just knew he liked how he felt when he was there. He went there many times during his childhood. He always wanted to go back because he liked the feeling he got while at Temple Square.

At the age of 17, Doug wrote in his senior yearbook his personal thoughts. He expressed how he always wanted a little sister, he wanted to marry someone not only "til death do us part" but forever!

He moved to Mesa, Arizona at the age of 19. When he saw the Mesa Arizona Temple he had the same feeling that he experienced when he was a little boy on Temple Square. He didn't know that these two places were connected, but he just knew it was a special place. At the age of 23 Doug was introduced to the LDS church. This is when he met Skip and Robin. He took the missionary lessons and Skip baptized him in December 1975. Robin became that "little sister" that he always wanted.

Nine months later I moved to Mesa, Arizona with my family.  Doug and I were set up on a blind date to watch General Conference in October 1976. We dated for about 5 weeks and he asked me to marry him...2 months later were were married in the Mesa Arizona Temple on January 21, 1977 for Time and All Eternity.

Now, who can question what happened? Here is this little boy having these feelings when on Temple Square and the same feelings come when he's in Mesa. This can only be attributed to the spirit touching him. It cannot be explained any other way and I challenge anyone who questions an innocent child!

"Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:4

Who can question that 17 year old boy that wrote his deepest personal thoughts down on paper?

We married for Time and All Eternity...not til death do us part!

January 21, 1977

Don't Judge

Today has been an emotional day. I have someone that is a very close family member that is struggling spiritually. I've been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints since the age of eleven. I went to Primary, early morning Seminary, Young Women's, and attended my Sunday meetings for over 39 years. I personally have not struggled with my testimony, however there was a time when I felt "less active" because I had a fireman for a husband and he had to work some Sundays. During that time I struggled going alone, not due to a lack of testimony...I just didn't like going alone.

Being a member of the LDS church can be a challenge, especially when you have no children. The LDS church is very family oriented and it's highly unusual to be a member and not have children. During our early years of marriage it was difficult for me to go to my Sunday meetings when seeing families come to church with their little ones.  I despised Mother's Day!  It was the worse day of my life, every year! It took many, many years to bear the pain of being childless and to change it to being the sister in the ward that helped, loved and cared for little ones.  It began with Primary! I loved my Sunbeam classes! Those little ones have that unconditional love and brought much joy into my life. Later it moved to helping a sister in our ward with her children while her husband served in the bishopric. I found that I can share my love for other children in church to fill that void.

Has it been easy? No! But, did I let it destroy my testimony and make me question what my role was as a wife and member of the church? No! I knew that my happiness depended on my attitude and having faith in my Savior. I've know since the age of eleven that becoming a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was and is where I'm supposed to be. When my family joined the church we had family members shun us! We had friends question us about joining the church. We did not waiver in our testimonies. Being a member has truly blessed me and my family's lives. My current calling is to be a companion to a 10 years old autistic girl during Primary. Oh, the love, joy and frustration all rolled up into one! However, I wouldn't change this experience for the world!

My heart aches when I learn of someone questioning the gospel that I love. I do not understand their trials and/or feelings regarding women in the church and their roles. It bothers me that Satan is working so hard on them and they don't see it that way. I know they also struggle with church leaders, especially with those serving in their wards. We have to realize that our ward leaders are men/human and make mistakes.  We are not all perfect! With that being said, I know the church is true and I believe that with all my heart...even when something is done or said that I may not agree with.

I find that when discussing this topic, it only causes more frustration, confusion, animosity towards the church, it's teachings and leaders. At times I feel that it is a losing battle. It's not dissimilar to a bible scripture battle between someone and the missionaries.  The missionaries are put into a "no win" situation. In these situations, the person questioning the church has studied, asked others questions, and read in preparation to the discussion. I feel that this is exactly the same as someone questioning missionaries with bible in hand...a "no win" situation! The results don't change and both parties leave frustrated.

So, what is one to do? Listen to their concerns, their questions, hear their explanations without agreeing for fear of giving them false affirmation and more reasons to question. I have come to the conclusion that all I can do is pray for them, love them and not judge them.

Morning Reflections

Today I decided to take a morning walk to the Cedar Fort Post Office. I had two reasons why! First, I needed to mail a letter and second, I needed to get my walk in for today. So, why not talk a morning stroll to the local post office!

The first thing I noticed is that it isn't as hot as at home in Mesa.  The temperature at the time of my walk was 89* which is a far cry from 109* at home! As I began my walk down a country road I reflected on how peaceful and quiet it is.  No traffic! No crowds! Just complete peace.  I could hear the horses naying, the cows mooing, birds chirping and critters rustling in the grass long the side of the road. It is such a difference compared to the city.

No one on the highway. Only one person at the post office! This so much different than living in the city. This is heaven on earth! Complete bliss!

As I'm walking along I notice all the rocks on the country road. Each rock is different. Some are dark, others light. Some are large, others small. Some are rough, others smooth! Are we not all different just like the rocks? Some may say a rock is a rock, but I say no they are not. Just as we are not all the same. We all look differently, act differently, think differently. We like different things, do things differently, and choose differently.

My choices may not be your choices and vice versa. Yet, with our differences we can get along. When you encounter dark times, can you see the light? If you suffer with struggles in your life do you decide if they will be big or overcome them to make them small? When times are rough, do you seek to smooth them with prayer, action and determination? We are the writer of our journey on the Book of Life! There are some rocks or challenges that we have no control over, but how do you handle those that may arise? Do you become bitter, angry or downtrodden? Or, do you seek love, peace and comfort from the Savior? 

Life on a country road is no different than we are. We too can have peace and tranquility if we choose to do so. I love the song, "All Creatures of Our God and King" because it is He and His Son that created us and this world for us to enjoy. It is up to us to make of it what we want. We are given the tools to be happy, if that is what we choose to be or not! So, when you think about the rocks in your life, it is up to you to decide if you want happiness!